I’m most attracted to ideas that scare me. When a solo parenting week coincided with a bike race that was a qualifier for the World Championships, I got to scheming. A ten hour drive to Canada with a two and four year old? We could bust that out in a day, nothing new for my road trip veteran children. Figuring out housing and childcare? Very complex, but workable due to a network of cycling friends. Talking a friend into joining me so that I could have another adult present on the drive? Check.
Modular two-bike platform hitch rack
It was only once I arrived at our homestay, began to unpack the car, prep my bike, figure out groceries and food, ponder how the three of us sleeping in the same room would go with no blackout shades, and anxiously tried to keep the kids in sight due to the backyard swimming pool, that I took a big breath while texting my husband. “Maybe this was actually a terrible idea”.
Only six weeks later, my husband and I collaborated on our next grand plan. Since I hadn’t nabbed that World Championship qualifier, and he was keen to give it a shot, there were only a few remaining races. Sweden was the only destination that fit in our schedule. To get there, we’d need to ditch our four week Sprinter van trip on the west coast and fly immediately east to Vermont to repack bags, drive three hours to Boston, fly to Copenhagen and drive two hours toward Halmstad, Sweden. Our goal was to arrive with time to acclimate and scope the course.
We splurged and upgraded to business class tickets, at the time blissfully ignorant that you can’t really take in the full experience with a two and four year old. I elbowed my full glass into my lap as I leaned over to help my two year old with his white linen meal. Our kids were amazing, but with all the excitement and the fact that once meal service is over, there are only 4 hours remaining, the sleep was brief.
European cars are proportionally as small as their roads. As a couple traveling with two large bike boxes, finding a car that will also fit two children in carseats is, well, impossible unless you want to spend five thousand dollars on a hulking, nine passenger van. My husband spent the better part of a week investigating options. We opted to leave our bike boxes at the hotel across the street from the airport. If you saw us with our carts loaded full of baggage and bikes, me trying to push a stroller with one hand and keep it on track while holding the hand of my four year old, you would’ve probably laughed at the sight while simultaneously feeling sorry for us. The puzzle took about an hour til we packed the Citroen SpaceTourer to the brim and I took the half seat in back, squashed between my two children. My brother-in-law joined us for the adventure and took the front seat of our little five seater. Our son would wait until the following day to begin his three day bout of food poisoning, where we’d subsequently cancel the sitter and anxiously wait to see if it would level the rest of the family. Spoiler alert: we remained unscathed.
Children will present an added challenge to life as you pursue any type of achievement, that’s just the truth. Neither of these situations were ideal for ultimate race performance. And yet, when faced with the options before me— to partake, or not to partake, the answer is almost always, “YES”.
I’m reminded of the time both Ted and I raced a 24 hour mountain bike race with kids in tow. I was still breastfeeding my seven month old son and my daughter wasn’t yet three. My husband crashed in the middle of the night, punctured his lung and broke ribs. We hardly made it home in one piece and I felt like I aged myself many years. That said, it stands out as such an accomplishment and a proud memory in my mind. I’ll forever be reminded of how we can do hard things. And despite being stabbed by cacti, surviving my own crash and near freezing in the middle of the night, my teammate and I won.
The bigger question is how to wrestle with race expectations and outcomes and how to deal with performances that may be hindered. I’ve found solace in zooming out on the bigger picture and trying to enjoy the life story that is being written. I attempt to see each challenge as a part of life’s adventure. I can only control the controllables and practice gratitude for the opportunity to make these memories as a family. I feel thankful that I can line up, healthy and able to pursue goals that make me feel alive.
It can be tempting to wonder what could’ve been if the circumstances were different.
If the path to a top racing performance was without roadblocks along the way (they rarely are). Reframing what a “win” looks like has been helpful to me. Lining up at the start line amidst those with top talent feels like the win to me during this season of life. To be in the mix during the race can also feel like success. The cherry on top is when it comes together despite everything life has thrown at you. When I’m disappointed in my performance or it has been specifically hampered by parenthood, I acknowledge the disappointment and let it sit for a bit. Then, whether I like it or not, parenthood calls and I’m on to the next responsibility or task that helps me move forward.
One struggle I have when things don’t go well is justifying the time I have spent away from my kids to train. The money I’ve spent on babysitters to train is also significant. There have been many moments where I think, “Is it worth it?”. I can’t answer that on someone else’s behalf, but there may be a time where the answer changes. Wrestling with what remains a priority on the “plate of life” and how full that plate remains is a worthy question to ponder and work through.
H3 plus direct drive smart indoor bike trainer
What’s helped me?
- Finding gratitude in the process and adventure.
- Judging progress in this current season of life and not the past.
- Zooming out to see the full picture and scope of your life and responsibilities and using that as the lens to judge your performance.
- Remembering that your children are learning so much from your pursuit and striving.
Throughout motherhood, I’ve relied on fellow parents and crowdsourced advice when I needed it. Since we are all in different seasons and scenarios, I thought I’d share some thoughts from friends who are also at the junction of parenting and performance. Here’s what they had to say:
Yes, motherhood has impacted my race performance, at least at this stage when my kid is still quite little. The main challenge for me is finding the time to put in the training effort for ultra marathons (and then not feeling guilty when I'm out running in the mountains for hours away from my kid) and battling illness. He'll bring home god knows what from daycare and inevitably, my husband and I will come down with it a few days later, right in time for a race. Then there's also the reality that when you have a toddler, you're not just putting your feet up and resting the week before a big race. You're chasing a little one around and not sleeping in since they are up at 6:30 am every day of the week. At the same time, I've shifted my mindset a bit during this phase of my life. Initially I was feeling rather defeated about my times being slower now as a new mom vs. before, and instead, I'm trying to embrace more gratitude for what my body is able to do. After giving birth and then a year later breaking my pelvis, I'm honestly just grateful that I'm able to run long distances right now at all. My body has been through a lot--and maybe it will or won't ever be as fast as it was before, but I'm OK with how it is now.
Mother of 2 year old, COO, Ultrarunner
I have found that both being a mother and having a career have made me find all the more joy in any athletic endeavor; while it's harder to "squeeze it in", when I do get out there, I am so grateful for the time and for my body to move. I wasn't ever an uber-competitive athlete, so this is relative, but I find myself actually getting stronger, part of that is mental strength (we thought athletics was hard, try parenting!) and part of that is just the gratitude in doing what I can do.
Mother of 4, Physician and Clinic Owner, Skier and Cyclist
Bottom line, it is such a challenge! I have always been an extremely competitive person. After a year of pushing hard for my goals, I decided to go for it again, but took a different approach to training that wasn’t so hard on my body or my mind. This summer I decided to enjoy my training rides and leave enough in the tank for afternoons at the lake or the playground with my kids. It was still a struggle to give myself this “grace” as I like to push limits and go into the red, but I also like to be a present and patient mom. I had to be realistic with myself and admit that sometimes these two objectives don’t mix. I think the key is to give yourself grace while still pushing your own limits so you don’t lose your identity as a competitive athlete. You can’t hold yourself to the same standard or expectation you did when you were in your 20s, with no kids and nothing but time to train. It is actually quite freeing when you train your mind to let go of that stress and pressure and just enjoy the competition and camaraderie of the sport.
Mother of 4, cyclist
I don't race because I know I would have to overextend myself. During this time in my life, training and racing would make me feel off-balance. With a heavy-lift job, 2 kids and lots of other responsibilities, my life is very full. However, my time as a pro athlete taught me how to meet the challenges I juggle daily by breaking them into small chunks and focusing on my goals. I think of managing mom-life like an athlete...how can I manage it all while also preserving my mental health and maintaining a healthy baseline fitness? If I get to a Friday happy with my "performance," then well, I still have what it takes. So, I would say if racing doesn't make you feel stressed and overextended, and you can learn to appreciate the performance you worked hard to complete, then I say go for it!
Former Pro Cyclist, Mom of 2, Nurse Practitioner